I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you didnt know i had herpes?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
