if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
