i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize