i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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