I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
