You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
