Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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