I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
