Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
