Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
