I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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