she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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