I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
