Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
