No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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