who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
