Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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