Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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