I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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