that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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