i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
