you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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