I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
