i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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