Redeem this text for a blowjob
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have aggressive nipples.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
