Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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