This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
