I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
