so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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