i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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