So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize