I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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