you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
