my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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