Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You smell like a Billy Joel song
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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