So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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