I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
