This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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