As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
