You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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