You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
accomplished twins. life is a go
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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