never play flip cup with pint glasses
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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