she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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