Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Randomize