Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
