No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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