i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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