My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
