Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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