So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
