i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
