i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
