that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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