a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
