that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
