I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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