i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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